Long Beach Herald
April 13, 2016

Ted Cruz, 45 , of Houston Texas, was arrested after a shopping lifting incident turned horribly wrong.

According to reports, Senator Cruz and his campaign manager, Jeff Roe, had stolen several grocery items from a Long Beach, California Target store.

Allegedly, Lyin Ted Cruz and Roe had entered the Long Beach, California Target at approximately 11 pm. shortly after he gave a speech at a rally in Long Beach to five supporters.

Lyin Ted Cruzs’ speech was cut short when ten unidentified hispanic girl scouts, armed with cookies, threw the cookies at him while screaming, “get out of our state you lying scumbag”.

Target store CCTV indicates that upon entering the store, Lying Ted Cruz and his campaign manager, Jeff Roe, headed towards the breakfast food aisle. Both of the men had taken several cans of Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls from the aisle and headed towards the bathroom.

According to CCTV footage, Lyin Ted Cruz and his campaign manager entered the restroom and stayed inside for nearly 20 minutes before exiting.

I went to the bathroom to wash my hands when I heard two men in one of the stalls moaning and cursing CNN reporter Sean Hannity. Disgusted by two homosexuals copulating with each other in the shit house, I washed my hands and went back to my station in the woman’s lingerie department; said Pimpin Big-daddy Johnson, an employee of the store.

When Target Security approached Lyin Ted Cruz after they had witnessed the two men enter the restroom, Lyin Ted Cruz was heard by security telling his campaign manager to blame GOP Presidential front Runner Donald J. Trump for the theft.

I asked Senator Cruz to show me the items he had taken into the restroom, said Michael Jones, a security guard at Target.

Lyin Ted Cruz denied taking any items into the restroom and then he ran like a coward toward the front of the store while screaming, “Trump did it.”

I followed him as he met up with the other person he was in the restroom with. I grabbed Senator Cruz and that is when Roe squeezed KY Jelly in my face.

KY got all in my eyes and on the floor. I attempted to grab Senator Cruz and that is when both of us fell. Disgustingly, I fell on top of him and that is when I heard a loud popping noise. Senator Cruz screamed loudly and then fluid started running from his backside. It was so disgusting but at least I caught the scumbag before he could leave the store.

According to eyewitness political delegates from Colorado, who were waiting to join Cruz and Roe in a homosexual orgy and the EMT that treated Lyin Ted Cruz on the scene, said that the Pillsbury Cinnamon Roll can exploded due to the amount of pressure inside Lyin Ted Cruzs’ busted anus coupled with the shock of the fall.


The can and its contents were removed from the anus of Lyin Ted Cruz. Senator Cruz was treated for his injuries and then placed into the custody of the Long Beach, California Police. Jeff Roe, the other suspect in the shoplifting incident, was also arrested.

Colorado delegates, who asked to remain anonymous, gave a bizarre statement to authorities upon Cruzs’ and Roes’ arrests,

“I hope Lyin Ted Cruz will be ok. We all just wanted to spice up our love making orgy tonight with something sweet and thought that some Cinnamon Rolls would do the trick. Well at least our darling Cruz got the Cinnabuns’ he wanted. I hope he has some leftovers for all of us to try”

Editors note:

It appears Lyin’ Ted was too broke to pay for his Cinnabuns after buying off GOP delegates in Colorado.  The most disgusting issue that has come to light in this unfortunate incident, is that it appears that Colorado GOP campaign rules obviously provide for paying off potential Colorado GOP delegates with participation in homosexual orgies with Presidential candidates and their campaign managers.

Finally, I sure hope the angry hispanic girl scouts were not injured in their altercation with Lyin’ Ted and his five supporters.